Mir war danach...

Mir war heute morgen nach ein paar Witzen. Hier also eine Sammlung von englischen und deutschenWitzen

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In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a shabby little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with his expert's eye, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat.
''It's not for sale,'' said the proprietor.
''Look,'' said the collector, ''that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars.''
''It's a deal,'' said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
''For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer,'' said the connoisseur. ''The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.''
''Nothing doing,'' said the proprietor firmly. ''That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 15 cats.''

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It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and waited for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line ... and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, ''Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?''
The boy responded, ''Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.''
''What was that?'' the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, ''Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.''
''Look,'' said the old man, ''I can't understand a word you are saying.''
So the boy spit into his hand and said, ''You have to keep the worms warm!''

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Bubba was bragging to his boss ''I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.''
Tired of his boasting, his boss said ''OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?''
''Sure, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.''
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts ''Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!''
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
''No, no, just name anyone else.'' Bubba says.
''The US president'' his boss quickly retorts.
''Yes'' Bubba says, ''I know him, let's fly out to Washington.''
And off they go.
At the White House, the president spots Bubba on the tour and motions him over, saying, ''Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first.''
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
''The Pope.'' his boss replies.
''Sure!'' says Bubba. ''I known him.''
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, ''This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.''
And he disappears into the crowd heading toward the Vatican. Indeed, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his side, Bubba asks him, ''What happened?''
His boss looks up and says, ''I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and this Japanese tourist next to me asked ''Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?''

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A young girl wants to become a reporter and applies for an internship with a London newspaper. She's accepted. After a couple of months she gets an assignment to interview a Chinese dissident. She thoroughly prepares all kind of questions and sets out to meet him.
After asking all kind of questions about his life and about China she says: ''How often do you have elections?''
Says the Chinese: ''Evely molning, evely molning!''

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First telegram: Dear mum - success - received all guns - ammo - tnt - buried in the new field near the oaks - love - John
One week later: Dear mum - success again - CIA digged up all area - now please send the potatoes - love – John

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Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
Tracy said, ''I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.''
Cathy giggled and confessed, ''I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.''
Dawn quietly sipped her whiskey until Tracy asked, ''Say, what do you call your husband?''
Dawn frowned and said, ''The postman.''
''Why the postman?'' asked Cathy.
''Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box.

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It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice ''Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!''
''So would I,'' quipped the girl, ''but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break.''

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Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, ''I've never come this way before.''
The other nun whispers, ''It's the cobblestones.''

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A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. ''There's no way they can catch a BMW,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. ''What the hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. ''It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.''
The guy thinks for a second and says, ''Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.''
''Have a nice weekend,'' said the officer.

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Two persons arguing with one another; The first one says ''It's pronounced Hawaii'', the second one says ''Sorry but it's pronounced Havaii'', no Hawaii, no Havaii ... this went on and on until a passer-by came along.
The two persons arguing asked the passer-by if he could sort out their argument for them. The one man insists that Hawaii is pronounced Hawaii and the other one says that it should be pronounced as Havaii.
The passer-by says ''Well guys, it's pronounced Havaii''.
Upon which the Havaii-man says ''Thank you. I knew all along that my pronunciation is correct''.
The passer-by said ''You're velcome''.

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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
''How long before I can get a haircut?''
The barber looks around the shop and says, ''About 2 hours.''
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, ''How long before I can get a haircut?''
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, ''About 3 hours.''
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, ''How long before I can get a haircut?''
The barber looks around the shop and says, ''About an hour and a half.''
The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, ''Hey, Bill. Do me a favour man, follow that guy and see where he goes.''
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, ''Bill, where did he go when he left here?''
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says.... ''Your house.''

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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, ''What are you up to there, Nancy?''
''My goldfish died,'' replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, ''and I've just buried him.''
The neighbor was concerned, ''That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?''
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, ''That's because he's inside your stupid cat.''

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In a monastery an older monk and a younger monk are making transcripts from the books in the library. Suddenly, the younger monk asks: ''Say, for how long are the transcripts made like this?''
‘‘What do you mean, like this?''
''Now, we're making copies of the copies of the copies, right?''
''Yes.''
''So if there if there is an error in one of the transcripts, it will be transferred to all the following copies, right?''
''Err, yes, I guess so...''
''Well, shouldn't then someone go and compare the current versions with the originals?''
''Maybe you're right. I will check that later...''
The next day, the younger monk is walking through the hallways of the monastery, as he runs into the older monk, who is constantly banging his head against the wall. ''What are you doing? Why are you banging your head against that wall?'' he asks.
The older monk turns to him and says: ''I compared the transcripts with the originals! The word is celebrate!!! CELEBRATE!!!''

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Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. ''Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?''
''Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...''
''Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.'' ''Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.''
''Three? When were they?'' ''Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?''
''Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?''
''Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?''
''I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?''
''Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?''

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A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: ''Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?''
Barbara: ''Sure, I'll have a go!''
Regis: ''Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin; B-Sparrow; C-Cuckoo; D-Thrush; Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.''
''I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: ''Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: ''I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.''
Maggie (also a blonde): ''Hello...'' Regis: ''Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara.''
Barbara: ''Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin; B-Sparrow; C-Cuckoo; D-Thrush''
Maggie: ''Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo.''
Barbara: ''You think?''
Maggie: ''I'm sure.''
Barbara: '' Thanks Maggie.'' (hangs up)
Regis: ''Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?''
Barbara: ''I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo''
Regis: ''Is that your final answer?''
Barbara: ''It is.''
Regis: ''Are you confident?''
Barbara: ''Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet.''
Regis: ''Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.'' (clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks ''Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: ''Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.''

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Eine ältere Dame hört, wie sich zwei Chicanos in LA in der U-Bahn unterhalten: ''Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.''
''You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine'', schimpft da die alte Frau entrüstet, ''in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........''
''Hey, coola down lady'', erwidert der Chicano. ''Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi'.''

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Der Papst stirbt und kommt an die Himmelstür. Petrus begrüßt ihn und fragt nach seinem Namen. ''Ich bin der Papst!''
''Papst, Papst’’, murmelt Petrus. ''Tut mir leid, ich habe niemanden mit diesem Namen in meinem Buch.''
''Aber... ich bin der Stellvertreter Gottes auf Erden!''
''Gott hat einen Stellvertreter auf Erden?'' sagt Petrus verblüfft. ''Komisch, hat er mir gar nichts von gesagt...''
Der Papst läuft krebsrot an. ''Ich bin das Oberhaupt der Katholischen Kirche!''
''Katholische Kirche... nie gehört’’, sagt Petrus. ''Aber warte mal nen Moment, ich frag den Chef.''
Er geht nach hinten in den Himmel und sagt zu Gott: ''Du, da ist einer, der sagt, er sei dein Stellvertreter auf Erden. Er heißt Papst. Sagt dir das was?''
‘‘Nee’’, sagt Gott. ''Kenn ich nicht. Weiß ich nichts von. Aber warte mal, ich frag Jesus. Jeeesus!''
Jesus kommt angerannt. ''Ja, Vater, was gibt’s?'' Gott und Petrus erklären ihm die Situation.
‘‘Moment’’, sagt Jesus, ''ich guck mir den mal an. Bin gleich zurück.''
Zehn Minuten später ist er wieder da, Tränen lachend. ''Ich fass es nicht'' , japst er. ''Erinnert ihr euch an den kleinen Fischerverein, den ich vor 2000 Jahren gegründet habe? Den gibt's immer noch!''

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An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says: ''Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here.''
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set.
The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, ''So, how's it going down there in hell?''
Satan replies, ''Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.''
God replies, ''What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now.''
Satan shouts back, ''No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.''
God says, ''Send him back up here or I'll sue.''
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, ''Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?''

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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'' With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, ''Mama needs new clothes!''
Then she hollered...''YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'' She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, ''What did she roll?''
The other answered, ''I thought YOU were watching!''
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are perverts.

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Ein Österreicher (kann auch jemand anders sein :-)) und ein Deutscher unterhalten sich:
Ö: Was machstn du so?
D: Ich bin Logiker.
Ö: Und, was ist das?
D: Paß auf, ich zeigs dir: Hast du ein Aquarium?
Ö: Ja
D: Klasse, dann hast du sicher auch Fische, oder?
Ö: Na klar doch
D: Wenn du Fische hast, dann bist du tierlieb.
Ö: Ja, selbstverständlich
D: Und wenn du tierlieb bist, dann bist du sicher auch kinderlieb.
Ö: Jaaa! Ich mag Kinder!
D: Wenn du kinderlieb bist, dann hast du mit Sicherheit auch selbst welche.
Ö: Klaro!
D: Und wenn du Kinder hast, dann bist du verheiratet, sehe ich das richtig?
Ö: Ich bin sogar glücklich verheiratet!
D: Siehst du, und jetzt kommt die Logik: wenn du verheiratet bist, bist du nicht schwul!
Ö: Natürlich nicht! Klasse - das mache ich jetzt auch!!!
Der Ö (oder wer auch immer) kommt nach Hause und trifft einen Kumpel.
Ö: Ich bin jetzt Logiker!
Kumpel: Und, was machst du denn da so?
Ö: Ich erklär dir das: Hast du ein Aquarium?
K: Nein!
Ö: Hau ab, mit Schwulen mag ich nichts zu tun haben!!!!

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Zwei Nackte Statuen, ein Mann und eine Frau, haben seit 300 Jahren im Park gestanden und sich angesehen, als ein Engel vorbeikommt und Mitleid mit ihnen hat. Mit einem Fingerschnipsen erweckt er sie zum Leben und sagt: ''Weil ihr schon so lange hier steht will ich euch mir einer halben Stunde Leben belohnen, damit ihr tun könnt, was ihr schon immer tun wolltet.''
Die beiden bedanken sich bei ihm, tuscheln einen Moment und verschwinden dann im nächsten Gebüsch. Ein wildes Rascheln setzt ein. Nach kurzer Zeit erscheinen die beiden wieder und sehen sehr glücklich aus.
Der Engel sagt ''Kinder, ihr habt erst die Hälfte der Zeit verbraucht, wollt ihr nicht nochmal...?''
Die beiden sehen sich an. Dann sagt er: ''OK, aber diesmal machen wir es umgekehrt: Du hältst die Taube fest und ich scheiß drauf.''

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Der Pfarrer läutet an der Haustür. Männliche Stimme in der Sprechanlage: ,,Bist du es, Engelchen?„
Darauf der Pfarrer freundlich: ,,Nicht direkt, aber von der gleichen Firma.''

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Ein Elefant steht fassungslos vor einem nackten Mann. ''Wie um alles in der Welt.. kann der essen?''

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A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, ''We need some four-by-twos.''
The clerk said, ''You mean two-by-fours, don't you?''
The man said ''I'll go check,'' and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, ''Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.''
''Alright. How long do you need them?''
The customer paused for a minute and said, ''Uh....I'd better go check.''
After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, ''A LONG TIME. We're gonna build a house.

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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional
But'' said the Scotsman. ''I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.''
Well.'' said the Englishman ''At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.''
''Ahhh that's nothin''' said the Irishman ''Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.''
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
''Well'' said the Englishman ''Did this actually happen to you?''
''Not myself personally no'' said the Irishman, ''But it did happen to my sister.''